Thursday 5 January 2023

10 years on

 It’s been just over ten years since I wrote anything in this, in some ways jotting things down, keeping nots, diaries is very much my thing. In other ways it’s not.

What a journey. Many who know me, will know that Rebekah lost her fight to cancer in October 2019.

I cannot easily describe the journey to her death or the one that has unfolded in the last three years.

At the time of her passing I felt ok with the whole, everything had been said, no stone unturned sort of thing….now, I would love to have just a few minutes to feel her presence next to me. I do indeed chat things through with her and I absolutely applaud the way she faced those last months, I applaud it even more with how things have unfolded.

At times, I am overwhelmed, have a head like mashed potato and I’m sick of appeasing things and people..I’ve got better at letting it go - which includes people - but it’s a real challenge.

I feel poked at, badgered to do it the way that others want, staying strong is hard and I can get why people end up going with the flow of others.

Not for me though. 







Wednesday 19 December 2012

The Smithsons x

For many years, christmas was held at Ruth and Alan's house. Beautiful cottage not far from Brampton. I loved going there, a great family event and the chance to catch up and have a good laugh. Its got harder as families have expanded but times change and people with it. Thankyou Alan and Ruth for all the years you had us there, you have been wonderful hosts and a joy to be around!!! Looking back on certain christmases, I came across the following photo and script of a play that Rebekah and I had written to try and provide 'entertainment' for Ruth and Alans kids when they were younger, I am sure there will be video footage somewhere. We always liked to do a bit of drama, and the following is just one of the pieces that we wrote, I think it could have  been 13 or so years ago. I suppose it was a joint effort but Rebekah has probably been the 'inspirational' one out of the two of us...she was the Jo when I was the Amy (she'll know what that means!!).
As for Ketty, Charis, Jared and Ben. You have ALL been simply 'lovely' to be around, a credit to your parents...you are ALL funny, spirited and wonderful adults....so this is a reminder to you of how much you were loved by us when you 'little' xx



Ruth said to Alan, those kids of ours,
The food that each of them devours,
That Jared, gosh the little tick,
To watch him eat it makes me sick,
And as for Charis, you should see,
I turn around to make the tea,
And while I'm at it, she's been able,
To guzzle any chocolate thats on the table,
Keturah and Ben closely follow,
Their tummy's seem completely hollow.
Alan merely shrugged and sighed,
Ruth waved her frying pan and cried,
From now on our motto is 'WE COME FIRST'
Them kids can always get the worst,
Now look, if we can 'rub them out'
There'd be more cake and curry about,
And stuff for you and me to eat,
Mind you we'd have to be discreet.
Alan said...'well whats to do?'
We can't just flush them down the loo!!
To which Ruth answered 'No,
Their much too big, they wouldn't go.'
'What if', Alan said, 'they fell
Quite accidently down a well'
'Oh no' Ruth said, 'I doubt we oughta
It might polute the drinking water'
'I think its better on the whole,
To take them for a lovely stroll
Into the woods and among the trees
Now surely thats a better wheeze'
'Lets do it' Alan cried, 'and then
We'll never see the brats again'
'Walkies', Ruth and Alan cried,
'It's spring, lets go and hear the birdies sing'
'Lets look out for robins in the trees
And pick some wild anemones'

Keturah suddenly espise,
Ruths shrewd and shifty eyes.
She whispers softly to Charis, 'listen sis'
'I don't much like the smell of this'
'I think our loving mum and dad,
Are plotting something rather bad
I think we'd better mark our track,
To help us on our journey back'
So, on the walk when outward bound,
They scattered dog biscuits on the ground.
They walk, all six, for hours and hours,
And see no robins, pick no flowers,
The wood is dark and cold and bare,
And Alan says 'children stay right there
your mum and I have things to do,
We'll see you later...toodle oo'

'There going to dump us' Charis cried,
'They won't succeed' Jared replied.
'We'll get back home' Keturah said,
'We cannot fail by following our dog biscuit trail'
'Join hands and come with me,
We'll find our way you wait and see'

But oh alas, where crumbs had been,
There now was nothing to be seen.
Young Benedict cried 'you silly twit'
Keilah must have eaten every bit'

Poor little children all alone,
The foul and filthy parents flown,
Poor little children all forlorn,
To face the dismal, murky morn.

'We'll starve to death' young Charis sighed,
While the others stood around and cried.
Then from nearby, an angels voice they heard
Who spoke as follows, word for word,
'Come follow me, you troubled things,
I'll take you on my silver wings,
To safety, to a lovely place,
Where you can live in peace and grace,'
The wondrous angel led them for a while,
For 9 miles towards Carlisle,
Until at last they saw Petteril street,
No 66 had never looked so sweet.
And there before the front door,
These four enraptured children saw,
Granny with a rolling pin,
She smiled, and said 'come on in'
'You must be hungry little lambs'
She fed them cheese toasties with ham,
Pepperoni pizza and gorgeous jam.

The children cried 'oh thankyou gran'
Granny now tweaks their cheeks,
And smiles again, and softly speaks,
'My darling grandchildren, as you see,
You eat extremely well with me'
She then serves up a sunday treat,
A very curious roast of meat,
It was sizzling hot, and crispy brown,
The happy children wolf it down.
Granny says 'do have some more,
I doubt you've tasted this before'

Keturah asks her 'is it lamb?
Or is it beef or is it ham?'
'Whatever it is, I must admit,
It's awfully tender isn't it'
Granny says, 'this is special meat
It's the only kind I like to eat'
Then Jared says 'I'll make a bid,
The meat is either goat or kid'
Granny says 'well no and yes,
I must say 'kids' a clever guess'
She smiled and chewed,
And chewed and smiled,
And looked so innocent and mild.

They left the table as quiet as a mouse,
As granny led them to the wash house.
Keturah said, turning pale,
The place looked like a sort of jail!!
With bars and bolts and horrid things,
Like mannicles and iron rings,
Granny said 'go in and look
I've made it such a cosy nook'

So Jared, Keturah and Ben, wanting to explore,
Went boldly through the open door.
Then granny quickley slammed it 'bang'
The bars and locks and bolts went 'clang'
Hey, let us out the children cried,
You stay in there granny replied.
'I'm going to feed you up a treat,
Until you're fat enough to eat,
And you Charis, will work for me,
And help cook these children for my tea'
But just as the stove got nice and hot,
And water was boiling in the pot,
(The pots for boiling the children in,
the stove for crisping up there skin) Young Charis in her pinafore,
Flings open wide the oven door,
'The fire is going out' she cried,
Granny pokes her head inside,
And Charis with a springy jump,
Takes aim and kicks her on the rump,
Granny totters forward and in she goes,
Head first and last of all her toes,
Now Charis with a gleeful roar,
slams shut the open oven door,
the temperature inside she sees,
is just on 45 degrees.
And soon this red hot oven heat,
gives out the smell of roasting meat.
Charis runs to the wash house,
no longer quiet as a mouse.

'Keturah, Jared, Benedict' she shouts,
'Hooray, we're free at last
Our foul old granny is roasting fast'
Keturah cried 'oh well done you,
What a splendid thing to do,
But then again, you must admit,
You always liked to cook a bit.
With granny gone, we really will starve to death.
Benedict sighed,
The others they just sat and cried.
Then yet again from nearby,
the angels voice they heard,
which spoke as follows word for word.
'Come follow me you troubled things,
I'll take you on my silver wings,
To safety, to a lovely place,
Where you can live in peace and grace'
This wondrous angel led them for a while,
15 minutes across Carlisle,
Until at last they could see,
Brookfield Gardens clear as can be.

They went up the steps,
And knocked on the door,
til these four excited children saw,
These two gorgeous aunties, with,
      Flowing locks, shining eyes, gleaming teeth, rosebud lips, slender hips,
      stylish clothes, outstanding personalities and flawless skin!!!
Who smiled and said 'come on in'
'We've heard all about your awful ordeal,
How granny nearly had you for her meal,
And how your mum and dad dumped you in the wood,
All cold and wet and covered in mud,
Since we are both single and childless,
We will shower you with our love and kindness,
We can live here together and stuff our faces,
Praise the Lord for his amazing graces,
Remember this and bear in mind,
If two husbands we do find,
You four we will have to send,
To find another home....the end xxx

Friday 16 November 2012

a bit more!

I've always been a bit of a 'thinker' and 'reflector' so it's no surprise that over this last few weeks I've thought alot about memories. Some of them just come from nothing particular where others are a bit more specific. I'm no different to anyone else, in that I have so many that its hard to find them all instantly and as I've got older I find I need people to prompt me with them!!



So...they started with one (as you do!) then there were six..



Stephen, me, Philip, Ruth (nice hair), Rebekah (even nicer hair) and Dave (who had a bit more hair)..anyway, thats just a wee reminder of all of us..as regards a bit more...

A good place to start, since it was only a couple of weeks ago is bonfire night. We thought we would have the first party of many. The kids thought it was great fun, although I think they are assuming that it's party time ALL the time now..not sure we can keep that up, but we sure will give it a go. Any excuse for a gin and tonic (donations of gin more than welcome!!).

Pre party photo..



I remember the excitement of bonfire night when I was little. We used to go to the Baptist church and there was always Mrs Baxters treacle toffee, she used to wrap it in little pieces of grease proof paper, then there were toffee apples, and mummy always made fudge. Ruth tells me that mummy attempted to make toffee too but it turned out badly...she was only over the other week and already I've forgotten the story! I think they used to bake potato's in tin foil too. It was always good fun, probably because we were allowed to stay up late and got to eat whatever we wanted!!! I loved the smell of the fire , the sound of it crackling away, and everyone enjoying themselves.

It makes me think now about the time and effort that those people put in to all those events, and over 30 years later, those memories (for me) are still there. Mrs Baxter made us all little over the shoulder purses for sunday school, and every week gave us a written out bible verse. John 3 16 was the very first. Its made me also think about the importance of saying 'thankyou'..such a small word but one that has a big meaning. It would be lovely to say thankyou again to people who are no longer here, for the influence they have had on my life, and for the time and effort that was invested and the love that was expressed to me. Since I can't do that...I'll make sure that I say thankyou in abundance to those that are still here!!!!

So..I'll just slip a thankyou in now, for the prayers, messages, words, loving gestures, acts of kindness..keep them coming x

Anyway, we thought some of the traditions should continue, except thorntons have provided the toffee and the fudge and we haven't quite got to the toffee apple stage..all those sticky fingers ( Rebekah wouldn't cope with them all over her house! ) Next year...I shall attempt to make my own treacle toffee and fudge. If anyone has a tried and tested easy to make treacle toffee recipe, send it on to me.

 
The above was consumed only by myself, who Rebekah has named daddy pig (yes, from peppa pig)  and Rebekah who Richard Brown has named freaky kid..accurate name for her!! Though a bit like pot calling kettle black, don't you think Richard?!!
 
 
 
 
 
 I think Rebekah enjoyed the marshmallow game more than the kids, certainly Emma liked teasing her with it! 
 
 
I wish I could remember,
 The words that I just heard,
The tune is very lovely,
I'm such a silly bird....tweet tweet (sung with hands on hips!!)
 
Couldn't resist adding that little song, Kotie came home from school today, got onto the step in the kitchen, that we call 'the stage' and sang it for no other reason than she had learnt it at school and wanted to share it..
 
She followed it with this..
Kotie: 'mummy, Lily is still my best friend and I love her, but I have a boyfriend now too, he's called Nathan, did you know that?'
Me: 'Err, no, I didn't know that, what is it you like about him?             
Kotie: 'Well, he's kind and funny'                                                           
Me: 'Thats nice, how did he become your boyfriend?'                           
Kotie: 'Never you mind'                                                                          
Me: 'pardon?'                                                                                           
Kotie: 'Well, I might just tell you after the christmas holidays how it    happened'                                                                                                
 
Thats all for now!!!
                                                                                          
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday 4 November 2012

I can see a bit of heaven

I'm not too good at this...am I supposed to start a new page for everything?! Its kind  of fun and keeps me occupied.
Thought I'd share a 'heaven' moment...
We were driving back from my good friends house last monday, I was feeling a bit tetchy and nervous. I knew that Rebekahs results were coming and I'd started to have odd 'feelings' about it all. We left his house and set off into the gloom. It was cold, very grey and rainy and the kids were annoying each other in the back of the car.
We'd been driving about 10mins when silence fell in the car, after a minute or so we arrived at the brow of a hill, as I came over the top I looked straight down onto a tree lined road. It was incredible...the whole road was sun filled, the trees bursting with light but the rest of the sky and all around that point was dark. A little voice (actually not so little!!) shouted out from the back....'mummy, I can see a bit of heaven..can you see it too'
I knew what he meant and it made me feel happy and sad all in one thought..
It reminded me of the sheer innocence of children, especially when he followed it with...'is that where your mummy is? and your daddy? and your granny? and your grandad? Has Jesus made them alive up there...
Wonderful in so many ways. Yes, they are alive now and I'm so glad that I know that.

Life for the mells tribe!!

This is so so clever (blog stuff that is..not me doing it!)..I am not a writer nor have I ever done anything like this before, well, unless you count the endless diaries I've written in my lifetime. Ah..they would be funny to read..I'll get them out at some point and perhaps share one or two bits.

So, I decided to join the blogging world after the latest shattering blow.



Rebekah rang last monday, the cancer is back...my amazing sister and lifelong friend facing the future with a limit on life. Who knows what that means or for how long we her. Devastated is an understatement. I'd never really allowed myself to think about whether it would come back. I foolishly believed that perhaps this was 'our time'. Afterall...had we not been through enough and had our share of rough times? 

Life doesn't see it that way...with so much of it there are no choices...you get what your given and somehow whatever the hand, you have to try to love, laugh, give to others and enjoy the amazing blessings that are around us. 
I've thought alot about healing and believe that miracles can and do happen...yes, we'd all like one of those!!!
Some aren't healed though, and many people have been touched by situations where God did not heal despite the faithful prayers of His people. It is not always Gods will to heal us physically. Ultimately (since we all have to die of something) our full physical healing awaits us in heaven..where there will be no more pain, sickness, disease, suffering or death!! YIPPEE..that would be amazing! I remember at my mum's funeral some years ago we sang the song..'there's a place where the streets shine' What fabulous assurance, to know thats where we're going....but come on everyone...lets be real too!

I am 40yrs old, mummy of two...have watched grandparents, both parents, nephew, aunties and uncles die one by one. I've had a husband walk out on me and our two adopted children and now I am facing this. Yes, I have fear and sadness...but thats because I am real and honest and I so don't want to lose my sister. It doesn't mean that those fears won't be conquered or that I believe any less than anyone else...
I've no doubt that some reading this will think I lack faith or hope....I don't! I have oodles of it and I KNOW that God is bigger and better than all things.  
I've thought for some time about journals, memories and the general make up of life and after hearing her news earlier in the week, have decided quickley to start 'getting it down' in some form.
So join me in this chapter of our lives, it may not always be pretty but it will be real and honest and full of positive stuff too, you may even laugh at some of the stories and memories I have.
There has never been a 'me' without Rebekah and vice versa..40 years we have shared so far and what a journey.
Its so hard to know where to start as so many things spring to mind.
I love this picture....mainly because for once I look a bit more photogenic than Rebekah does!!!!!! This doesn't happen often...this was taken on a beautiful beach in Portugal, we'd met up with Brendan and Elspeth (old friends of Rebekahs)..it was magical, the sun was setting, the waves were crashing onto the rocks and the bugs were out in force!!!!!